About CanWeMarry

People whose families or communities oppose their relationship are usually told to choose between two things they should not have to choose between. The advice available to them is either to give up, or to cut everyone off. Very little of it helps with the actual work of staying in a relationship and in a family at the same time.

CanWeMarry exists for that middle ground. It is a place to set out what is happening, hear from people who have been through something similar, and reach mediators, counsellors and legal information when the situation calls for them.

The limits we hold to

A platform built around family conflict can become a weapon very easily. These constraints are built into how the software works, not just into what we ask people to do.

• —A dating or matchmaking service
• —A way to pressure, confront or expose anyone
• —A substitute for legal advice or emergency help
• —A place to publish information about people who have not agreed to it

Consent is structural

A case is about a relationship, so it necessarily touches people who have not agreed to be discussed on a website. You can invite someone to take part, but only if they already have an account and can answer for themselves. Until they accept, they appear to nobody — not to other participants, not to moderators, not to us. There is no field anywhere in the system for the name, address or photograph of someone who has not consented, so there is nothing to leak.

Privacy defaults

Cases start private. Profiles start undiscoverable. Location is hidden unless you turn it on. Every one of those is a decision you make deliberately, rather than something you have to notice and undo.

This is not emergency help

CanWeMarry cannot respond quickly and does not monitor cases in real time. If you are in danger, contact your local emergency number. The safety section of the resource directory lists organisations that can.